Saturday, July 23, 2011


You can’t judge me, for I condemn myself.  I don’t ask or want forgiveness because I don’t deserve it.  I’ve made far too many mistakes in this life.  I’ve made more mistakes than 10 men combined.  I’ve hurt more people and caused more pain than you could ever imagine.  I’ve been a disappointment from day one.  I disappoint myself!  And I often question the thoughts behind my actions, and I don’t have a good answer.  I’m compulsive, self destructive and a walking talking disaster. I question every decision I make just because I am a thought away from another bad decision.

The Apostle Paul wrote in first Corinthians 4:3 that he doesn’t even judge himself.  Maybe this is another bad decision judging myself so harshly and condemning myself as being unforgiven. But that’s the way I feel, so why hide what you truly feel about yourself?  I know that I am not worthy of forgiveness.  I live with a daily guilt that runs so deep.  A guilt over Connie’s death, over Sarah, Ann and Adreesa, that just eats me alive.  I live with the guilt about the way I treated Lisa, a guilt of allowing Josie to ruin her life.  A guilt of not being a better son to my mother.  A guilt of Charles Carter’s death, the death of Ronald Willis, the death of my friend Jimbo. I live with the guilt of the death of the couple I hit head on in a car wreck in August 1987 that cost them their life.  I live with the guilt of not being more responsible, getting my dumb ass off drugs and alcohol.  I live with the guilt that most of you could never possibly imagine.  So I am my own judge and I find myself unforgiven.  I know my faults, my crimes and my heart, and I am not worthy of forgiveness.

It is written in Exodus 10:20 that God hardened Pharaoh’s heart and because God did this, who is to say he did not show mercy and compassion to Pharaoh?  For it is written in Exodus 33:19.b “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”  In my instances, if I am shown compassion and mercy, so be it but “I” know that I do not deserve compassion or mercy.  I don’t want prayers.  If you want to pray for me, you send my prayers to God for that child that is dying and suffering in your local hospital.  Send your prayers to that mother who is praying for that dying child.  For there are too many deserving people in this world that deserve a blessing, an answered prayer and I am not one of them.  I’ve had contempt in my heart for God, from the moment I came into this world, or at least from when I lost my Big Ma, another painful, guilty memory.
I don’t have the answers to the mysterious questions of life.  I only know what I’ve experienced and what I feel, and you can not say this, that or the other.  For you have not walked in my shoes, and thank God you haven’t!  For this has been one rough path that I wouldn’t wish for anyone else to have to travel.  I have no problem showing mercy and compassion to others.  For I know the heart of fallible man, and how we sit back and question our own mistakes, our own stupidity.  Yes, I probably should be more forgiving to myself, but the reality is, I can’t.  I am the unforgiven and I wrote this because of my sister Mary and others who have said “you need to learn to ask for forgiveness.” But I don’t forgive myself, so I can’t ask others to forgive me.  All I can say is “I am very sorry for the pain and anguish I have caused, and for the mistakes that I have made.” Sorry doesn’t cut it, it doesn’t fix a broken heart.  So yes, I remain to be the unforgiven.

Regretfully submitted,


About The Prisons

Today is Sunday, July 17, 2011.  I haven’t had a recreation since May 24.  It has  been almost two months now.  I’ve filed grievances and everything to no avail.  Their laws, their rules, their way!  That’s just the way it is…but I will continue to stand up and fight for what I believe is in.

I read Paul’s comment this past week which he left under Life on San Quinten’s Death Row dated 7/1/11 on how he thinks prisoners should be treated.  It saddens me to read that.  I do also understand the act of a vengeful heart.  Although I don’t agree with the torturous conditions that he would like to see enacted.  He does have the right to his opinions.

Now Allen Cox wrote a piece and I want you to read it because although the American prison system isn’t quite the torturous environment that Paul would like, this is not a pleasant environment.  The American prison system has over 2 million inmates.  That is more than any other country in the world.
Why?  Because it has become a 60 billion dollar a year corporation that doesn’t give a damn about society, or the inmates.  Damn rehabilitation!  The prison system needs and desires the inmates to return.  The American prison system is a failure to everyone except the rich corporations that profit from it.  That is why they allow the thug criminal environment within the prisons and rehabilitation has become a thing of the past.  There is nothing easy about life in this environment where every day is a struggle.  A place where you constantly have to look over your shoulder never knowing who you can trust, which in most cases that is no one.  Right now we are currently dealing with the temperature.  Right now in my cell the temperature is in excess of 100 degrees and when you add the Florida humidity into that….well it’s down right “miserable”.

But Paul, we all make mistakes and torture is not the answer.  For hate builds upon hate and anger upon anger and creating an angry vindictive inmate is what you are talking about – and my friend, that’s what the American prison system is already doing by allowing rapes, assaults, and abuse by turning a blind eye to the torture you never hear about that takes place in the dark isolated areas of these prisons.
Thank you for allowing me to share this with you and thank you for as well for reading Allen Cox’s essay “Taxpayers of Florida”.

In Peace and Love,


Tax Payers Of Florida by Allen Cox

You better open your eyes and take a look at what is going on in the prison system.  Currently your money is being spent to raise an army of mad dog thugs that will one day be released in your back yard.  Some of you screamed for tough prison time and that is what you are getting, but you are the ones who will end up being the victims when these men are someday released.  This is how things are.  You put 1,000 men in prison, most with long sentences.  Five hundred of them have no family to help with small amounts of money that is needed to survive and there are no paying jobs.  So the 500 are forced to rob and steal and extort protection from the other 500 that do get money from family.  After years of surviving this way the 500 thugs are released.  They are programmed to rob and steal but it’s YOU who will be their victims now.

The answer to this problem is simple and would save the taxpayers a great deal of money.  Bring back the farm system the prison system.  The prison system has the manpower to raise most of the food that is needed.  Pay the inmates to work instead of forcing them to work for nothing because 90% of what they get paid will be spent right back into the inmate canteen.  Each prison could have a factory that makes most of the snacks that are currently sold in the canteen which would create more paying jobs.  There is no reason why the taxpayers of Florida should not have the burden of supporting the prison system taken off their shoulders.  So, do you want a prisoner who has learned to work for money or one who has had to rob and steal to survive living next door to you?

Allen Cox

Judge Not And You Will Not Be Judged

Guys like me on Death Row are often judged harshly by the Christian community.  This was something that really turned my stomach when I was a young Christian.  It is written numerous times in the biblical text to “Judge not, and you will not be judged”.  Let me take you through the scriptures and show you what I'm talking about.

Let’s start with what Jesus says in Matthew 7:1-2“Do not judge, or you will be judged For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the same measures you use, it will be measured to you” There you have it...the harsher you judge others determines the harshness that you will be judged.  This is reiterated by Jesus in a slightly different way in Luke 6:37-37.  Lets view.  37.  “do not judge and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn and you will not be condemned.  Forgive and you will be forgiven.” 38.  “Give and it will be given to you.  A good measure pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap.  For with the same measure you use it will be measured to you.” Right above those verses Jesus was teaching about loving those who do not love you.  Let's view that before loving on.  Luke6:32-36  “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?  Even sinners love those who love them.  33.  and if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you?  Even sinners do that.  34.  and if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you?  Even sinners lend to the sinners expecting to be repaid in full.  35.  but love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.  Then your reward will be great,  and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  36.  be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.  That says a lot....not only is He trying to teach His followers to love one another and not judge one another...but to step outside the realm and love and do for those outside the Christian community.  That verse 32 is powerful because it is easy to love those who show us love.  It is much more difficult to step out side and show love to a complete stranger.  Look at what Paul is preaching in Hebrews 13:1-3 keep on loving each other as brothers.  2.  do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing so some have entertained angles without knowing it.  3.  remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisons.  And those who are mistreated as if you yourself was suffering. That goes hand in hand with what Jesus was saying above.  But how many people really live by that?  Few, if any!  None that I've ever met in real life.  James 4:12 warns about judging one's neighbor stating---”Who are you to judge your neighbor?”  And what did Jesus say about our neighbors?  Let's examine that starting with Matthew 19:19  “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Mark 12:31 coincides with that as does Paul's teachings in Romans 13:9 and Gal. 5:14 and James 2:8.  Lets look at who Jesus says your neighbor is and for that we turn to Luke10:25-37. 25  on one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus.  “Teacher”, he asked, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”  26”What is written of the law?” He replied.  “How do you read it?”  27 He answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.”  28.  “You have answered correctly” Jesus replied.  “do this and you will live”  29.  But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus “and who is my neighbor?”  30.  In reply Jesus said “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho when he fell into the hands of robbers.  They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away leaving him for dead”  31.  A priest happens to be going down the same road and when he saw the man he passed by on the other side.  32.  so too, a Levitt when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.  33 but a Samaritan, as he traveled, came to where the man was and when he saw him, he took pity on him.  34.  He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine.  Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him.  35  The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the inn keeper.  “look after him” he said, “and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have”  36  which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man to fell into the hands of robbers?  37 the expert in the law replied “the one who had mercy on him”  Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise” There we have it --- our neighbor.  Let's look at it a little deeper...looking at our enemies.
For this turn to Matthew 5:44 where Jesus says  “But I tell you.  Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”  Which is further supported by what Jesus says in Luke 6:27 and Luke 6:35.  27 reads but I tell you who hear me:  Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.  Which he reiterates here in verse 35 but love your enemies, do good to them and lend to them without expectation to get anything back.  Then your rewards will be great and you will be the sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  36  be merciful just as your Father is merciful.
Jesus is consistently teaching forgiveness, mercy and compassion here.  Rejecting judgmental, vengeful behavior...a trait that today's Christian needs to look closer at.  To be a Christian is to be Christ like … are you living up to these teachings? Jesus early on dealt with rich followers.  See Matthew 19:16-24, Mark 10:17-30 and Luke 18:18-30.  He was addressing those who were not willing to sacrifice their earthly treasurers in order to follow Him and His teachings.  We see this all the time in the churches.  Over priced rings, chains, clothes, etc.  Christians bound by earthly goods.  That reminds me of the parable of “A Tree and its Fruit” given in Matthew 7:15-23 where christians on judgement day will be coming forward saying we know you Lord and Jesus responded in verse 23.  Then I will tell them plainly, “i never knew you.  Away from me you evildoers!”  This is to say that not everyone who calls themselves a Christian is truly a Christian.  Your salvation doesn't simply rest on your faith (believing).  Most people read John 3:16 and stop!  Failing to read John 3:16-21 about living and walking in the light.  Paul goes on further to explain the need to stop deliberate sin.  Over in Hebrews 10:26-31   Verse 26 reads “if we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sin is left.  It goes on to show how deliberate sinners are treating the blood of Christ with total disrespect.  Study it if you are a Christian.  Look what is written in First John 2:3,4,5,6, 9 and 10.  Verse 3.  We know that we have come to know him if we obey His commands.  4.  The man who says I know him, but does not do what He commands is a liar and the truth is not in him. 5.  but if anyone obeys His word, God's love is truly made complete in him.  This is how we know we are in Him.  6.  whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.  Now let's examine verse 9 and 10.  9.  Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in darkness.  10.  Whosoever loves his brother lives in the light and there is nothing in him to make him stumble.

Now look at First John 3:6 and 9  6.  No one who lives in Him keeps on sinning.  No one who continues to sin has either seen Him or Known Him.  9.  No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him.  He cannot go on sinning because he has been born of God.
Verse 10 goes on to tell you that this is how we know the children of God and also recognize the children of the devil.  So it's clear that not everyone who says “I'm a Christian” is living inside the realm of Christ. Paul wrote about revenge over in Romans 12:19-21 which he took from Proverbs 25: 22
Do not take revenge my friends, but leave room for God's wrath.  For it is written It is mine to avenge.  I will repay, says the Lord.  20.  On the contrary if your enemy is hungry, feed him.  If he is thirsty, give him something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.  21.  Do not be over come by evil, but over come evil with good.  The bottom line is, are you going to follow the teachings of Christ, living like the good Samaritan in Luke 10:33-37, being a good neighbor, loving others as you love yourself?  Or are you going to be like the rich man who would not give up his earthly possessions to follow Jesus seen in Matthew 19:16-24? Many years ago I'd go to Christians and ask for financial assistance.  They knew I had no way to earn money and yet they would say “sorry I can't help you out”.  I found out that non Christians would give me more help than Christians and that really boggled my mind...That Christians could recognize my suffering....some of the volunteers even coming in and witnessing it first hand and yet would not even consider any financial assistance.  I'd never say “some neighbor you are” although I's clearly think about those verses, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Ministries, preachers and priest would always reject any type of financial help.  They didn't care about your needs in the earthly realm.  “I come to save your soul” they would say.  Not to reduce your earthly suffering but to show you faith.  What did James say about Faith without deeds.  See James 2:26  As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.  Jesus said in Matthew 5:16 let your good deeds shine before me so they may praise your Father in heaven.  Also view First Timothy 6:17-18  Command those who are rice in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rice in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. Joel Osteen, the Grahams, Pat Robertson, with all their wealth will only contribute small amounts of their fortunes that they can write off in their ministries.  Hebrew10:31 “It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Closing in Peace and Love.


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Disciplinary Confinement, The Hole, Lockdown

Disciplinary Confinement (DC) aka The Hole, aka Lockdown.  Here on Florida’s death row it is basically the same as the other cells.  It’s 9x7 … 63 square foot.  The only differences are, there’s no light switches so you can’t turn the light off.  You have bright cell light beaming in your eyes 18 to 19 hours a day.  This deprives you of sleep.  You are then denied weekly recreation for the first 30 days and then only given recreation once a week after that.  You have no TV, radio, or any of that.  To top that off there are no magazines, new papers or books.  The only reading material you are allowed is religious text.    There is nothing to do to keep the human mind occupied.  On top of all of that you can only order canteen every other week and then you can only purchase paper, envelopes, stamps, pens.  No shampoo or soap and definitely not any food items!!  You have to live off this nasty disgusting state food which no way to supplement or improve any of it like soups, cheese, mayo, ketchup, mustard, etc. which greatly improves the slop that they feed us.

As you can see, I spend my time writing and since I can’t read or any anything else, I write even more.  There is nothing fun about D.C.  You stay hungry.  You are constantly bored and you start counting the days down till you get off.

I’m down here on a 9-35, trying to conduct a business through staff or volunteers which is a 60 day Disciplinary Report (DR).  What I should have gotten was a DR for a 9-14 which carries 30 days.  But because I pissed so many people off with my writings, they were out for blood.  That is why they went for a 9-35 to ensure that I did an extra 30 days on D.C.   So I am bored stiff.  I haven’t had recreation in 44 days which is a clear violation of their own rule.  But this is their world, I just exist in it.  Their rules for them to make, break and apply how and when they want.  Yes, I stand up in the face of adversity. I challenge them and their rules constantly, most of the time to no avail.  But I never quite trying.  Yes, life here on Florida’s death row is hard and life on D.C. is even harder.  There is nothing pretty about it but this is just another existence  where I survive day to day. This is D.C., the hole, lockdown.  Thanks for allowing me to share.  Please take care and fight the good fight.

In peace and love,

Monday, July 4, 2011

Final Hunger Strike Update

I wanted to give everyone an update on the hunger strike and the results.  It didn’t turn out the way I wanted.  I set a goal aiming for 30 days, and as most of you know, on day 19 the prison administration violated all kinds of constitutional rights by taking all my property; mattress, blanket, soap, toilet paper, etc… I had nothing but my underwear.  My body was already in shock from having very little water and no food for 19 days.  Now added was the shock of extreme cold and sleep deprivation.  And that night, June 8. 2011, I began throwing up.  I had been staying in my bed, not getting up at all.  So on top of all this, I’m having to walk.  My feet hurt and went numb, as did my legs. I fell probably a dozen times that night.  By the next day, Thursday, June 9, not only did my body give up but my mind did as well.  I had to endure four more days of torture.

I had to go through 40 hours of IV treatment, while still laying on a concrete floor, suffering sleep deprivation and sever joint pain.  Finally, on Monday, I was able to hold water down.  And at lunch on June 13, I ate my first meal in 24 days and it was hard to get down and keep down.

On June 14 I was moved back over here to P-Dorm Death Row housing cell P-4105 Disciplinary Confinement (DC) and what amounts to a heat box.  It’s like an oven back here.  I was denied my property for another week.  No fan, no legal material, no address book, etc… Finally, on Monday June 20, my property was returned.  And some of it had been stolen.  So I didn’t get the issue resolved, which I was fighting for on the hunger strike.  We’re not getting weekly recreation on DC and we’re still being sleep deprived due to 18-19 hours of bright cell lights that we can’t turn off.  I ended up getting the maximum of 60 days on DC, so I won’t get off until August 12.

I have written some controversial essays going into more detail about issues going on here but I’m sorry to say you won’t get to read until I get some help from outside the United States to operate my blog.  I am currently looking for this and hope to find someone in the near future.

The bottom line is the only thing accomplished by my hunger strike was being tortured by the administration, which I will be filing a lawsuit on.

Was it worth it?  Probably not.  Would I do it again?  Most definitely!  Because one thing about me is that if I feel I’m done wrong, I’m going to stand up and be heard.  This blog is my only voice to the outside world and mother feels it’s in my best interest to be censored.  I feel you need to know you’re not always getting my full message and it hurts me to my heart that I can’t say what I really feel.  I love my friend and my mother but I don’t like censorship.  Eventually I hope to make changes to the blog so that I alone am responsible for it’s content, and have one or two people outside the US and its laws who will pass out my word and post my writings with out any type of censorship because then and only then will my voice truly be heard.

So to say the least, I failed miserably.  Will there be another hunger strike?  Stick around because only time will tell.  Thank you to all who supported me through this.  Please take care and be good or be good at it.  In peace and love, Ronnie